Today was not a great day. I am running on very few hours of sleep and that began the downward spiral. I am battling my old demons today. I spent hours today focusing on my outward appearance, my skin, my weight, and so on and so on. It is such a burden and so insignificant. My god I have so many more important things to worry about. This brings me to my final realization tonight. If I focus on all the things that I don't like about myself than I don't have to think about what is really going on in my life. If I focus on how sad I am that I gained 5 lbs then I don't have to think about my son's medical problems. So I avoid. The cycle goes on and on. Yes, I am the type of person who is vocal about the events in my life. I will accept them and try and move on. I also know that I am human being. Sometimes it can be such a daunting task having so much on your plate, so I avoid. I avoid by obsessing on my appearance and all the other things that I am lacking. I believe it is also a self fulfilling prophecy. If I gain weight, if I don't pay a bill on time, if I turn in a letter to my son's school late, then I am a failure. I suppose this is a conversation I made up about myself years ago. So the more I look for something to feel bad about the more I get what I want. I get to validate my conversation about "who I am!"
I was feeling so low today and so I practiced loving myself. There is no better time to start loving yourself then when you are at the bottom. Everytime I walked past the mirror I would get sad. I would walk away and come back and say, "You are beautiful." I did this about 10 times today. I realized that it is so strange that practicing self love is such a struggle. I should wake up everyday and think I am beautiful, I am a wonderful mom, I am a great friend, and I deserve love. These things shouldn't be such a struggle. I am dedicated more than ever to make it through this.
I am not just doing this for myself, although I am the driving force. I am also doing this for my children. I want to teach them through action that they are deserving of love, and perfect the way they are. I want to raise them to know that they are loved. I want them to know that they are deserving of all that life has to offer. This can't just be said in words, it must be put into practice daily. They have to see me setting an example for them. This is the best gift I could ever give to myself and my children.
I read this quote the other day. I found it beautiful so I decided to share it with all of you.
"Loving everything about yourself—even the parts you consider unacceptable—is an act of personal power. It is the beginning of healing."
—Dr. Christiane Northrup