Thursday, September 30, 2010

Slow Going

I said I would be honest about my journey of transformation. I knew this would not be easy.

The last 2 days were really hard!

I can't believe how hard the last two days have been. I caught myself on numerous occasions thinking about all the things I am not doing right. Really I spend so much time thinking about what I am just not doing. I did practice redirecting my negative thoughts with something constructive. I found that it did take away some of the anxiety. This is not easy. My sister always reminds me that the brain takes the path of least resistance. For me it is to always beat myself up, or to find something to feel guilty about. In fact I believe this challenge may just be my biggest hurdle. If I had a nickel for every time I started a sentence with, "I feel so bad" I would be a millionaire. This is very sad. That is why I have started this journey, that is why I committed to making a change. I want to be free of these rules I have set for myself.

Learning a new trick!

I am preparing to leave on a trip home at the end of October. I have not visited my family and friends in over six years. I am so excited and yet feel a tremendous amount of anxiety over the journey. I realized that I have spent the last two weeks thinking of how much weight I can lose before I go. I guess old habits die hard. I still fall so quickly into the same routine of needing to feel perfect when I see people from my past. I believe at some point in my life I made the connection that if I look perfect than others will be believe that I am doing great. There is nobody that I am visiting on this trip who cares at all what I look like, and yet I still feel a desire to fix myself. I spent some alone time yesterday looking inward and thinking about this behavior and what it represents. It is the cycle of feeling like a failure, or feeling not good enough. This is exactly what this journey is all about. I am determined to break this wall down. I already feel so uncomfortable. So I decided I am going to go home looking the way I look and to accept that. I will spent the next three weeks acknowledging to myself everyday that I am beautiful. In essence I will fake it till I make it. I am going to look in the mirror and find one thing that I find beautiful in myself everyday. I will not turn away when I am undressed in front of the mirror. I am going to allow myself to feel uncomfortable so I can make it through this. This has already become harder than I thought.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Not doing Enough

I never feel like I am doing enough!

I spent the last weekend at an amazing picnic with some extraordinary people. As I sat and talked with my fellow moms I heard the same conversation, "I feel like I am not doing enough..." I was one of those people speaking those words out loud. How could this be? Why is it that we all feel this way? The gathering we had was for families who have children with Prader-Willi Syndrome.PWS is a rare genetic disorder that my oldest son Blaise suffers from. When you are a parent of a child with PWS it consumes your life. If there was ever a group of people who do more than enough for their kids, it is this group. So how could it be that we all feel that we are not enough and our caring is not enough?

The media tells us so!

Every time we turn on the t.v. or read a magazine we are bombarded with images of what a perfect mom looks like. I spend so many hours thinking about what I am not doing that other moms are doing. We are programmed to think that we are to keep a neat house, our kids clean and we are never supposed to be tired. This is a bunch of you know what. We aren't perfect, or at least I am not. I am fed up with not feeling that my love, my nurturing and my dedication isn't enough. I am a great mom and yes, my house is often in disarray, my kids have dirty faces at times, and I am tired all the time. No, I don't cart my kids off to a million activities everyday and we don't ban our kids from watching t.v. Does this mean that I am not a good mother? Of course not, and I finally believe it. My kids are so loved and happy. I fight the urge everyday to compare myself to other moms, it is so defeating. My life is MY LIFE and not theirs. My kids are different, my husband is different, and I am different. How can we all be the same kind of mom with all the variables involved? So I make this promise to myself. I will not allow myself to say anything negative about my mothering for the next 7 days. I will be totally honest about whether or not I am keeping my word. I know this seems like an easy task, but let me tell you it is not. I will replace my negative self deprecating thoughts with something positive. Every time I think something bad I will tell myself one good thing that I did for my kids today. Will you join me and do the same? I am extremely curious to see how different I feel after the next seven days.

Here I Go

I can't believe that my 33rd birthday is right around the corner. Now, I don't mind being 33, but I am stunned at how fast the last 33 years have gone by. I am married now with two beautiful boys. I live in a beautiful home and well, I guess you could say have settled nicely into domestication. For those of you who know me you might have to think twice about me being a stay at home mom living in suburbia. I was always the wild child. I traded in my dancing shoes for sandals, and my sexy clothes for nursing bras. Isn't this what happens to most moms?

Where does that wild child go when we become a mom?

I woke up one morning recently and realized that I didn't know who I was anymore. Sure I am a wife and a mother, and I love being those things, but where am I? I spend every waking moment thinking about what needs to be done for my family, what task needs to be accomplished for my kids, and what to cook for dinner? If you ask me how much time I spend thinking about myself I would say NONE! So slowly but surely I have become lost in the abyss.

Here I Go!

So off I go. Yes, I am the manifesting mommy. Starting with today I am creating my new life. It sounds so cliched but who cares. I am just one of millions of women feeling the same emptiness inside, the same feeling of being overwhelmed, and the same feeling of longing for some part of herself back. I have made a promise to myself to make a change. I decided if I was going to be a great mom then I need to be a great me. This will be a honest and real account of my journey. I promise you it won't be pretty. I am going to do things that are uncomfortable and difficult. I am going to tear down all the walls that continually get in my way. If you stick with me on this journey you will get a glimpse of what real life is like for a young mommy today.

What are you manifesting today?